I close the door behind me and feel the silence in our apartment embrace me. I sink to the floor, not bothering taking off my jacket or shoes and let the tears that have been building up all morning, silently run down my cheeks. While sitting there, alone on the floor in the hall, crying, something that has been griping around my chest, slowly loosens. Then he comes home, flowers in his hand and a supporting smile. Then that warm embrace. Him holding me, making me feel like the world is good. And suddenly I can breathe again.
The last week I have been headed downhill when it comes to my mindset. A mindset I have been working so hard on. I have just hated everything I see in the mirror, I have cried when I have seen photos of myself and I have sometimes gotten this overwhelming feeling to tear my own skin off. I have tried to ignore it, but guess today I reached my limit. When I woke up this morning everything just felt so wrong. My body was aching, my head hurting and I felt sad, fed up, indifferent, angry, restless. All at once. I didn’t want to get up and face myself in the mirror, yet again disliking everything looking back. I just wanted to sleep.
I have no idea why. I have been doing so good the last few years, mainly because of my work with Best of You and shifting my focus and working on acceptance. But I guess, like with everything else in life there are ups and downs. It will get better, I just need to work my way through it.
I am now sitting here, in my favorite PJ and a warm cup of tea, doing what works best; writing it all down. All to the smell of those fresh and beautiful flowers. I am so grateful to have him by my side, even though he probably doesn’t understand any of it. But by simply loving me, he makes me stronger. And those blue eyes telling me everything will be ok and that smile, that always makes me smile, that helps too.
Lots of love from Henriette Sophia